( A Ripping Yarn of Adventure on the High Seas from the pen of John Holt, Master Chronicler)

It has long been rumoured that chains of immense proportion lay in Lobotomy Bay to the east of Piel Island. And based on this folk law the community of Glasson Yacht Club assembled an expeditionary force. This doughty crew, comprising the finest volunteers to sail out of Glasson, departed on the morning of July 14th 2003. Their mission?… To capture, remove to an alternative position and mark these chains with tokens of ownership. The Toggenberg, a well found vessel admirable suited to the task, under the captaincy of owner, master, builder and gentleman David Booth, had been painstakingly prepared for the voyage. It had been decided from the outset that all decisions regarding the expedition would be made by a committee comprising of no more than eleven members. When it was discovered that the bold crew equalled this figure, further sub committees were formed each with a specific task. Each committee was responsible to each other and the committee above and below it. Further, the dashing Capt Booth had the power of veto over any or all of the committees. Thus the first hours of the voyage were passed as each committee vied for prominence and many and varied were the points raised. On passing the Fleetwood channel proceedings were rudely interrupted by Bosun Dennis Marsden who, for no apparent reason, attempted to take control of the ships direction! He was restrained by two able bodied chaps and taken below for counselling with Nurse Carol. We waited in anxious anticipation for the diagnosis. It was as we had feared. A chronic case of Fleetwood Fever!

The plucky Toggenberg sailed on, altering direction north, passing by other shipping as if they were at anchor. It was subsequently discovered they were when the helmsman intending to pass astern found he was forced to pass by ahead. It was at about this time that light refreshments were served, and of an "haute cuisine" standard that was to be maintained throughout our time at sea. The loyal crew give heartfelt thanks to Assistant Steward Peter Gardner . I won’t bore the reader with further details that comprise a voyage but will press on with details of the mission. On arrival at Piel gallant John Critchley and courageous Peter Gardner together with myself were dispatched on a top-secret task. To remove, at the Commodores express instructions, a passé two tone, tear shaped marked buoy, last seasons colours. And replace it with a more agreeable drum shaped, this seasons colour, orange replacement. The majestic Toggenberg sailed off on its own agenda leaving the three of us to set about our, committee approved, allotted task. We were furnished with "state of the art" equipment including a Health and Safety approved hacksaw, the blade of which had had all the teeth removed, so we wouldn’t hurt ourselves or damage the "top of the range" club deflatable. On completing our task we rejoined the, now aground but still formidable, Toggenberg. It is my sad duty to report that it was at this point that rumours started to circulate that the ship had been beached by the crew aware of the close proximity of the Ship Hostelry, noted for its sumptuous décor and extensive selection of fine wines and beverages. Not a bit of it! the resourceful Toggenberg, ever aware of the primary issue had sat on the very chains we sought, preventing them from falling into the wrong hands. With a rousing cheer the indefatigable crew extracted the chains from beneath the hull, and as a decoy lowered railway wagon wheels alongside the vessel to give local spies the impression she was amphibious.

Meanwhile daring underwater explorations conducted by popular hero Nemo Peter Johnston were taking place. The dangers and malevolent beasts lurking beneath the waters of Lobotomy Bay and its approach Dire Strait are well known and by far the most feared being the dreaded Single Fanged Kedge. It was whilst wrestling with this formidable foe that Nemo Peter sustained a direct hit and his dry suit, but rapidly becoming a wet suit, was pierced by the loathsome creature’s proboscis. Years of training and a phlegmatic attitude overcame adversity and the vile creation was cast upon the foreshore by our titan of the sub sea realm. News of this victory spurred the industrious crew to even greater endeavour and in no time at all the chains were secured and the regal Toggenberg made ready for the evening tide with the captured chains draped ceremonially around the bow.

At this point in the days proceedings some of the heroic crew repaired to the aforementioned hostelry to imbibe the local brew whilst waiting the flood. Such was the intellectual content of the conversation and quite overcome by the euphoria of the day, scant regard was accorded to the cyclic variation of the saline hydraulic medium. Fortunately eagle eyed Leading Seaman Alex Ratcliffe observing our perilous situation and dispatched himself in a fine seaworthy craft and rescued the company from an increasingly embarrassing predicament. On arrival at the titanic Toggenberg a fine repast was enjoyed by all. A gargantuan Rumanian stew, that had in fact been six hours in the preparation, and due the complexity of the recipe had occupied the Chief Steward Brian Roberts for the majority of the day. It is worthy of note that the preparation required that the vessel be set in "silent running" mode whilst the vittles gelled prior to heating. The banquet was accompanied by a generously donated case of excellent van rouge. The donor being none other than Bosun Marsden now quite recovered from his affliction. After affable discourse on manifold subjects the formidable crew retired for the evening lulled to sleep by the gentle tapping of the chains against the hull.

On waking the following morning and after the dispersal of the methane cloud the chains resplendent with new ownership markings were cast into the deep. A crew muster was organised and after it was ascertained that none of the victorious crew had followed the chains into the depths the kindly Captain Booth ordered the noble Toggenberg home. The resourceful Capt mindful of the attempt on the ships direction on the outward voyage had surreptitiously disconnected the mechanical linkage between the wheel and rudder and was conning the vessel by means of a cunningly concealed electronically controlled device. The various helmsmen attended to their duties unaware of this fact and many were the favourable comments as to the straightness of the wake. "Why its as if the ship can steer herself !" " She stays on course no matter which way I turn the wheel" said Leading Seaman Alex!

Such is the speed of the nimble Toggenberg we approached the home port on reduced revs but already our fearsome reputation had preceded us, the dock gate light being stuck on red. After an exchange of pleasantries with the authorities we were allowed access and docked shortly afterwards. So ended another chapter in the illustrious annals of the indomitable Toggenberg and the superb volunteers of Glasson Yacht Club.

ROLL OF HONOUR

David Booth, John Critchley, Alex Rattcliffe, Norman Whewell, Brian Roberts, Peter Gardner, Peter Booth, Peter Johnston, Carol Woods, Dennis Marsden & John Holt

Thanks….

Many thanks to David and Chris Booth for the loan of their floating home Toggenberg, without it the task could not have been completed. Also to fellow members and everyone who mucked in and made the trip a success, including Normans wife Anne whose intimate knowledge of Morecambe Metals scrap yard greatly assisted Norman in his search for shackles and chains.